Still Thinking of You
Why Belated Sympathy Notes Matter Most
In my file box of greeting cards, I have so many bereavement ones. And there’s a sad reason why. I have bought them for people and then forgotten to send them. Then so much time passed that I felt guilty about sending them. So, they sit in my file box and haunt me when I open it.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to send the “perfect” card at the “right” time. But when it comes to sympathy, I’ve found that timing matters far less than intention. A note that arrives a month or two later tells someone their person is still remembered. That kind of thoughtfulness can be the comfort they treasure most–especially when the notes have stopped coming, the meal train has ended, and all the formal activities of saying goodbye have passed.
Maybe you’ve been there: you meant to send a card, but you didn’t have one on hand. Or you forgot stamps. Or you froze trying to find the right words. Maybe a card felt too little for the loss, and you were trying to think of a gesture, an offer, a gift that would convey the largeness of loss and the scale of your sympathy.
But days passed, then weeks, and suddenly the moment feels gone. The guilt creeps in, and the idea of sending anything at all feels almost harder.
In defeat and regret, you reluctantly put the blank card in the file box and commit to doing better next time.
Here’s the truth: it’s never too late.
Last spring, as I sat in the church pew waiting for my friend’s mom’s funeral to start, I plugged her mom’s birthday and date of passing into my phone’s calendar with the intention to send a card leading up to those milestones in the first year.
When that calendar reminder came up for her mom’s birthday, my initial feeling was regret that I hadn’t gotten the card sent. But I felt that urge to connect. So, I sent a quick text to my friend telling her I was thinking of her on her mom’s first heavenly birthday and hoped she was doing something fun in honor of her.
The next day she replied thanking me for remembering and reaching out. She shared how she and her family had spent the day.
It’s not about perfection. It’s about connection.
Why Belated Sympathy Matters
One of the biggest worries people have is, “What if my card makes them sad all over again?” The truth is—they’re already thinking about their loved one. Every day. A card doesn’t reopen grief. It acknowledges it.
Your note says: I see you. I remember with you.
And sometimes, when the initial flood of calls and flowers has quieted down, a belated card can be even more meaningful. It’s a reminder that their person is not forgotten, and neither are they.
What to Write (Even If You’re Stuck)
Another reason people sometimes hold back on expressing their grief is that they’re worried they’ll say the wrong thing. If the blank card feels intimidating, here’s a simple framework:
Opening Lines
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.
I was heartbroken to learn of the passing of [name].
You’ve been in my thoughts (and prayers, if that feels right for you).
Middle
If you didn’t know the person: mention something you learned secondhand.
“I loved reading your post about fishing with your dad. It’s clear you shared something really special.” (I often use this technique when I’m commenting on a social media post they’ve made that includes a tribute or a link to the obituary.)When I teach writing, I tell my students to “show, don’t tell.” One way you can show is by sharing a memory or telling a story - something specific that reflects the spirit of that person and your connection to them.
“I’ll always remember how your mom made family dinner a nightly ritual. I can still picture her asking us all to set the table with those red placemats. Now that I’m a parent, I admire that even more.”
Closing
I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
I’m extending my sympathy to you and your family and wish you peace during this difficult time.
Sign however feels natural: With sympathy, Sending love, Thinking of you, etc.
We put a sample sympathy card together that you could use as a template if it’s helpful. This could be used in a card, but it could also work for a text or email.
A Sample Sympathy Card
Hi Sarah,
I was so sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. I loved reading your post about how he took you fishing as a child. It’s clear you shared something special. Please know you’ve been in my thoughts, and I’m wishing peace and comfort for you and your family during such a difficult time.
With sympathy,
Julie
It always feels harder before you get started. And it’s never too late to get started bringing comfort to our people in grief.
A Sample Belated Sympathy Card
Remember, it’s about connection, not perfection. If it’s been a long time and you wish you would have reached out earlier, here’s an example of a belated card.
Hi Sarah,
I was so sorry to hear about your dad’s passing last spring. You’ve been on my mind lately, and I wanted to reach out and share my condolences.
I loved reading your post at the time about how he took you fishing as a child. It’s clear you shared something special.
Please know you’ve been in my thoughts since then, and I continue to wish peace and comfort for you and your family as you navigate life without your dad.
With sympathy,
Julie
Pro Tips to Make It Easier
Here are a few ways to make it easier to move from intention to action.
Keep cards and stamps on hand. A small pack of blank notecards is perfect. If you want something more beautiful, look for a curated set of sympathy cards that strike the right balance.
Batch your card-writing. Set aside 30 minutes with your coffee and write a few at once. You’ll feel lighter all day knowing you’ve finally sent the words you’ve been carrying around.
Don’t overthink it. A simple handwritten note matters far more than waiting for the “perfect” card or phrase. If you can’t think of the right gesture, offering or gift, don’t let that hold up your expression of sympathy. Get the card in the mail. You can always follow up with a gesture or gift if the right opportunity comes along.
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. There isn’t a neat window when it’s “appropriate” to reach out, and then it’s over. Love and loss stay with us. That’s why sending a card weeks—or even months—later can feel like a gift: it shows that someone is still remembering alongside you.
We’re building HeyDay to help make sure you never miss the chance to show up, whether it’s right away or long after the crowd has moved on.
Because it’s never too late to say, I’m still thinking of you.